Today I am pondering how to create in green for the new ATC swap but all I can envision is blue. My best friends mother is hovering between this world and the next due to that horrible disease Alzheimer’s. She texted me around noon stating her condition and there is nothing I can do except pray she doesn’t linger in that state to long. Prior to the text I was consumed with trying to get household chores accomplished so I could think green. But now I wait for my phone to ring, selfishly hoping is doesn’t, but knowing her mother would not want to go through this suffering for herself and her family.
I feel deeply for my friend as she has been very close with her family. She has been under so much stress for a couple of years now going through all the phases of this disease with her mother and making sure her father is also taken care of while keeping a full-time job. Her husband had a heart attack earlier this year adding to her stress. While she has brothers and sisters she is the peace keeper and the one who gives up to take care of her mother. So why I wonder do I worry about the small things like making sure I have household chores done before doing things I enjoy??
It’s late and my friend just called me and was talking about her guilt for going home after spending the entire day and most of the evening by her mother’s bed waiting for the inevitable. I try comforting her by telling her that maybe her mother was waiting for her to leave to let go and she shouldn’t be feeling guilty for getting some rest. Guilt is such a powerful feeling and seems to take over all aspects of our lives in some fashion, guilt over what we did or didn’t do while raising our children, guilt about not having dinner with a relative, guilt over spending money on something we don’t really need. If anything watching my friend go through this illness has shown me that life is to short for so much guilt. I want to spend the rest of my time living guilt free and I will make that a goal of mine to do what makes me happy, live with no regrets. Make art. Think green not blue.